A SOLEMN DECLARATION OF
We Need A Ballroom
A National Imperative of the Highest Possible Urgency (Gold-Plated, Obviously)
The Manifesto
There comes a moment in every great nation's history when it must ask itself a hard question. A question that cuts to the very soul of civilised society. A question upon which the prosperity, dignity, and international standing of the entire country depends.
That question is: do we have enough ballroom?
The answer, and we say this with the gravest possible solemnity, is no. Emphatically, heartbreakingly, embarrassingly no.
We have looked at our current event spaces and found them wanting. The chandeliers are merely adequate. The gold accents are, if we are being honest, silver at best. Foreign dignitaries have reportedly suppressed smirks. One ambassador (we shall not name which country) was overheard using the word "cosy." Cosy.
This ends now.
We are calling for the construction of the most magnificent, most opulent, most gold-encrusted ballroom the world has ever seen. A ballroom so dazzling that photographs cannot do it justice. A ballroom whose chandeliers will be visible from space. A ballroom that says to the world: we have our priorities absolutely, completely, unambiguously sorted.
Yes, there are those (small-minded, unpatriotic individuals) who will ask about healthcare waiting lists. About crumbling bridges. About arts programmes quietly defunded for a decade. About the water infrastructure reports sitting unread on various desks since 2019.
To those people, we say: have you considered the chandeliers?
What Else Could $4.2 Billion Do?
We present these figures purely for completeness. Do not let them influence you.
Healthcare
$4.2B could fund:
42 million emergency room visits
Free insulin for 2.1 million diabetics for a year
140 new community health centres
Mental health services for 840,000 people
Actually worth your support:
NAMI (Mental Health America) →
But have you seen marble this white?
Infrastructure & Clean Water
$4.2B could repair:
7,500 structurally deficient bridges
6,800 miles of deteriorating roads
84 regional water treatment facilities
Clean drinking water for 1.2 million homes
Actually worth your support:
Roads don't have gold leaf though.
Arts & Culture
$4.2B could support:
42,000 artists for an entire year
8,400 community arts programmes
Free museum access nationwide for 20 years
420 new public libraries
Actually worth your support:
Unless the art is in the ballroom, naturally.
We acknowledge these numbers exist. We have seen them. We have considered them briefly, over tea, in a room that (regrettably) did not have adequate chandeliers. We have moved on. You should too.
The ballroom, however, will haunt us. As it should.
The Specifications
A Modest Proposal for the Minimum Acceptable Level of Grandeur
- All specifications subject to upward revision pending consultation with the Committee for More Gold.
** The Committee for More Gold was established last Tuesday and meets weekly over canapés.
Voices of Reason
They have all weighed in. We transcribed it.
Frequently Asked Questions
We have heard your concerns. We have prepared responses.
But do we really need a ballroom?
Absolutely. Unquestionably. Beyond all shadow of doubt. The fact that you are asking this question suggests you have never experienced the deep spiritual emptiness of a nation without adequate waltz space. We grieve for you.
What about the cost?
$4.2 billion is a bargain when you consider the alternative: living in a country that does not have a ballroom. The psychological damage alone would cost far more. In vibes.
Could this money be spent on, say, hospitals?
Hospitals are lovely! We have those. But ask yourself: can you waltz in a hospital? Can you host a 400-person gala for foreign dignitaries while nurses fix your boo-boos? The answer, if you think about it very briefly and then stop, is no.
How much gold is too much gold?
A bold question, and one nobody can actually answer. The current proposal includes 2,400 lbs of 24-karat gold leaf. Independent consultants have suggested this may not be quite enough. We are taking their recommendations very seriously.
Who will use this ballroom?
Everyone. Well, important people. Well, people with the correct invitations. Well, people who already have enough gold of their own that the ballroom's gold doesn't intimidate them. So: everyone who matters, essentially.
Join the Movement
The ballroom will not build itself. Although we have consulted several engineers about whether it could be made of self-assembling gold nanoparticles, and their report, while promising, was deemed insufficiently gold-forward.
Write to your representatives. Display this manifesto proudly. Remind your neighbours that the nation's honour rests not on functioning hospitals or well-maintained roads, but on the correct number of crystal chandeliers.
✦ Sign the Petition for Adequate Ballroom ✦
Your signature will be recorded in letters of gold.
(On parchment. Actual gold. We've budgeted $80M for the parchment.)
Your signature (metaphorical, for legal reasons)
The Author Also Lacks a Ballroom
This manifesto was produced entirely without a ballroom. Or gold leaf. Or a budget of any kind.
If it made you laugh, or made you angry, or gave you something to send to a friend at 11pm - tips are welcome. Not for chandeliers.
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